-Committing feels hard
-Communication becomes non-existent
-Feelings grow cold
-Tender memories, and fun & games seem old
-Old wounds feel fresh
-Thoughts you of you with me, of me are low….
An audible voice, an audition of voices amid a plateau of emotions.
What does this say about you, or better yet me? Am I emotionally unavailable? Do I fear commitment? Do I have the right to make or break your heart, or mine? Am I dishonest, disingenuous? Or depressed even? Is this really the call of the inner heart, the holler of intuition, or the ramblings of an egoic, and masochistic mind?
To be honest, its probably a little of all of the above but there are some areas that hold far more weight then others.
Yet such a traumatic question is deserving of an equally tragic, yet therapeutic answer.
Several times in my life I have not fully appreciated that love is a choice, in fact all relationships are a choice romantic or otherwise. Just to clarify, this does not invalidate feelings, I am merely talking about one’s decision to enter into a form of relationship in spite, or because of our feelings towards that particular person or persons.
And from experience there is a need to take risks in life for the sake of expansion. There is a desire to expand happiness and fulfilment, and challenge as a reflection of ourselves. Not because we are dependants but because we as conscious beings desire to share in the fullness of life through companionship, and to compliment one another as wholly functional fragments of a whole – and by whole I refer to all of creation, not just a partner.
This is also an excellent way for us to understand ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses through who we may attract, despite the possible unpleasant experiences that may also arise – which is not to say that we deserve or desire this, but to say that we better understand what we do not want and appreciate our own needs with greater clarity through relationships.
But what if you find yourself incapable of giving, loving or receiving?
As someone with his own insecurities and challenges there can be an inherent exhaustion with loving or committing to new relationships, and this has been due to a lack of focus or love on my own being, the bypassing of my own inner needs to facilitate something with another -but ultimately being unable to meet either of our needs. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging this state of malaise as long as we are courageous enough to act upon it for our own self-development and goals, even at the expense of a current relationship.
On the other hand there is also that fear of missing out, or FOMO. A feeling of lack or loneliness, again based on our own resistance to take that inner journey and spend time with ourselves; and by comparing ourselves with others – when we all have our own paths and lessons to learn. Therefore it is good to take that time and ask ‘why’? instead of developing potentially harmful relationship practises.
Sometimes we can self-sabotage situations. This is different from breaking off a situation because we never confront our own short comings as we seek ways to absolve ourselves of responsibility for any hurtful actions and greatly traumatise the other person, usually through using them as the excuse or reason. This can also be considered a form of gaslighting.
Whether it’s one of these reasons or all of them, we must have the courage to contend with these feelings and thoughts and own the trauma that has created them in whatever ways that allows us to honour our feelings towards others.
At this point in time I am not ashamed to say that I am mature in some areas, and yet immature in others when it comes to matters of the heart. Which means that overall I am incomplete, and no one can make me whole. Others can either help you see your own greatness or consequently help you see your own areas of immaturity.
And I believe that this, not fear is the beginning of knowledge.